Performance Anxiety

During this year's winter olympics, I couldn't help but notice how many of the USA team members were dealing with the emotional struggles that come with competing. And not just against other athletes, but against themselves. You can have all the confidence in the world and then one little fall can change your whole mindset and throw you off your game. Sure there might actually be physical factors involved, but so much of it is in your brain. So it is with organic chemistry. And, well, life in general. I took test #1 for organic yesterday. I was so prepared for it, I was sick of looking at it. It was to the point that I could reproduce it on blank paper. Then comes the 16 page test. No kidding. I was flying through the NMR stuff - fill in the blanks, reading the spectra - I was careful, but I knew it. Then comes mechanism #1. Hemiacetal. No problem. Wait. This looks different. What does he want me to draw? I'm so confused. I didn't study this. It's just the cyclic one. It's no different, but how does it fit into his blanks? Crap. Go figure. Well, move on and come back. The problem with that, is that moving on is so frustrating. It's the hardest thing ever. One fall, and the rest can come back to bite you. It didn't, but it takes so much to keep on going and have the confidence that you know it all and will do well in the end no matter what. All is well, then page 16. The last synthesis problem. The others were from the homework. EASY. This one, well, 4 pages of molecules later, I was at a loss. I had an hour left to finish the test and that time was quickly ticking away. And I still hadn't finished that other problem. I wasn't going to have time to check all my answers. I'm never going to be a dentist. Crap, crap, crap. But you have to keep going. I started flipping back through the test for a possible clue to the one step I knew I was missing to accomplish that one conversion. An epoxide! There it was glaring at me on the page. That's what I needed. I went back and flew through the mechanism (missing one little bit - but that's ok). The confidence was back. That first problem on second glance was no big deal. Protonate, lose water, attack, lose a proton. It was no different than what I practiced. Just go with the flow. There is a great sense of accomplishment once the struggles and self-doubt are overcome and you make it to the end. It's a little bittersweet - I mean you had to go through the disappointment and struggle (although my disappointment was nothing like losing the gold - I was just disappointed that I freaked out and didn't get it right away when I had studied so hard), but you worked through it. You are better for it. You hope you don't have to go through it again, but it was ok. It could have been better - don't get me wrong. But it's done. I went home and watched the women's figure skating finals and saw Sasha and Irina fall and finish their programs. With a smile. Man, that's hard. All you can do is keep going. And do better next time.