I Have Officially Caught the Wave!

I'm so super excited right now because I just got my first organic test back and I got a ...duh-duh-duh-duh, ta-duh...100.5! Way pumped. It's like when you're running a race and it's a little hard at first, like you get a little cramp and that's discouraging, and then you run through it and everything is just smooth sailing until like the second to last 1/4 of a mile when it really stinks - which is like studying for finals. Taking them is the easy part...you can see the finish line. So I'm in my groove and I'm working hard, but I have to pace myself. So now it's time for pacing. Since I screwed up in genetics last test, I need to make up for some lost time - a little sprinting - but it's doable. So I'm going to go sprint in the library. And then go to office hours. But I'm just so excited I had to get this out of me. Whoop!

By the way, Bio is up to 19, Chem still lagging at 16, but Organic is up to 17! Still studying...A 20 is in sight....

3 weeks...

Performance Anxiety

During this year's winter olympics, I couldn't help but notice how many of the USA team members were dealing with the emotional struggles that come with competing. And not just against other athletes, but against themselves. You can have all the confidence in the world and then one little fall can change your whole mindset and throw you off your game. Sure there might actually be physical factors involved, but so much of it is in your brain. So it is with organic chemistry. And, well, life in general. I took test #1 for organic yesterday. I was so prepared for it, I was sick of looking at it. It was to the point that I could reproduce it on blank paper. Then comes the 16 page test. No kidding. I was flying through the NMR stuff - fill in the blanks, reading the spectra - I was careful, but I knew it. Then comes mechanism #1. Hemiacetal. No problem. Wait. This looks different. What does he want me to draw? I'm so confused. I didn't study this. It's just the cyclic one. It's no different, but how does it fit into his blanks? Crap. Go figure. Well, move on and come back. The problem with that, is that moving on is so frustrating. It's the hardest thing ever. One fall, and the rest can come back to bite you. It didn't, but it takes so much to keep on going and have the confidence that you know it all and will do well in the end no matter what. All is well, then page 16. The last synthesis problem. The others were from the homework. EASY. This one, well, 4 pages of molecules later, I was at a loss. I had an hour left to finish the test and that time was quickly ticking away. And I still hadn't finished that other problem. I wasn't going to have time to check all my answers. I'm never going to be a dentist. Crap, crap, crap. But you have to keep going. I started flipping back through the test for a possible clue to the one step I knew I was missing to accomplish that one conversion. An epoxide! There it was glaring at me on the page. That's what I needed. I went back and flew through the mechanism (missing one little bit - but that's ok). The confidence was back. That first problem on second glance was no big deal. Protonate, lose water, attack, lose a proton. It was no different than what I practiced. Just go with the flow. There is a great sense of accomplishment once the struggles and self-doubt are overcome and you make it to the end. It's a little bittersweet - I mean you had to go through the disappointment and struggle (although my disappointment was nothing like losing the gold - I was just disappointed that I freaked out and didn't get it right away when I had studied so hard), but you worked through it. You are better for it. You hope you don't have to go through it again, but it was ok. It could have been better - don't get me wrong. But it's done. I went home and watched the women's figure skating finals and saw Sasha and Irina fall and finish their programs. With a smile. Man, that's hard. All you can do is keep going. And do better next time.

And the verdict is....again...

I finished taking my first practice DAT and the results are in...

Science - 16 (yuck!)
Biology - 17 (I can do way better than this)
Chemistry - 16 (need to fix this)
Organic - 15 (really need to fix this)

PAT - 19 (way to go! I can fix this by practicing my keyholes, cubes, and end-front views)

Reading - 21 (way to go! I probably could have aced it if I had used all my time and checked answers)

Math - 18 (considering the fact that I ran out of time, guessed on like 10 and didn't answer 6, I did pretty good - still need to fix this)

Basically, I raced through it as fast as I could, within reason, afraid that I would run out of time. When I didn't, I was so exhausted that I didn't want to go back and use all my time. Taking the test at 10:00 at night didn't help things either. So I'm fairly pleased with these results considering I didn't use my test taking skills. I'm definitely lacking in chemistry. Considering that studying for class = studying for this part of the DAT, I should be in fairly good shape. I need to memorize my formulas and I'm already working on formula sheets. If I fix math and science, I'm well on my way to an excellent score, and even the PAT and reading can improve, so it only gets better from here. I have a month! It's doable. But I have a lot to do! Spring break will be so awesome because I won't have to worry much about school (I hope) and I can completely concentrate on DAT. I will have an Organic test the Thursday of the next week, but that is plenty of time to study. I'll need to know all that stuff for the DAT anyway : )

Next practice test should come next weekend. I'll study for organic this week, work on genetics, see what I did wrong on this test, beef up on some chemistry and math equations, and try again!

Oh, and by the way, the paranoia monster strikes again...genetics wasn't that much of a bomb. I'll be fine.

You're Not the Only One

Friday really sucked but I was so glad that it was over that it didn't matter. I watched the opening ceremonies of the olympics, ate a bowl of Chef Boyardee ravioli, and tried to battle the feeling of imminant demise that was slowly coming over me. My genetics test was a bomb and, sure I get to drop one, but this is not how it is supposed to work! So I made a study schedule and nixed orchestra and small group and we will try this again. I have an organic test next Thursday, anyway, so small group would suffer at that point no matter what. So we went to Houston and I'm still trying to ignore the fact that I quite possibly failed my genetics test, but the mood was overwhelming. So when we ran out of gas on the way home, I was on the verge of losing it. My poor husband felt bad enough that we ran out of gas, but I had to compound that with my feelings of insufficiency, PMS, and really just wanting to get back to Austin. So the whole way to the gas station was "What purpose is this going to serve in my life....it better be good" and the whole way back was, well, it was ok. So maybe I just needed a 4 mile hike to recuperate.

Talking about the test with Ashely this morning, we both admitted to having feelings of total insecurity since we are both used to acing tests. It was nice to know that I wasn't the only one fighting those feelings. Unfortunately, it probably won't be the last time. But hopefully, I won't have to run out of gas again to get over it. Because that really did suck.

Sacrifice

So after my first test in genetics today, I realized that my choice in career path requires sacrifice that I have not been willing to give so far. As evidence of my naivete, I thought I could live a double life: the life I have been living as teacher, wife, orchestra member, and friend and life as a dental school hopeful. They are, as they exist now, completely incompatible and it has to change. See, a part of the reason I was so sick of pre-med is that I had no life. At least I didn't have one that seemed very fulfilling. I wasn't having fun or doing what I really wanted to do, so I made it so I could. Now that's a huge oversipmlification of all of the reasons behind my change, but it was indeed a part of it. I knew when I got myself into this that my devotions would need to change, but I so thought I could get away with it. NO. No I can't. It's impossible. So, sacrifice is needed to reach the long term goal of a career I will really enjoy because I worked my tail off for something fulfilling. So here's what's left of my attempt at hybridization: I must still be a wife and teacher (for now - the teacher part, not the wife part) but I have to give up orchestra and small group time to let the dental school hopeful in me shine through. Unfortunately, those two things, to a big extent, help me keep my sanity. But I can only do so much, and if I'm really serious about this I have to give it up. I think a lot of my sanity will be saved by being able to get everything done in a timely manner instead of last minute and I will be more prepared for everything in general. I should have already done it, but, as usual, I have to do it the hard way....after I've learned a hard lesson. 38 days left.

Look, that's me!

It is so amazing how a productive weekend can seem like nothing after one day. Granted, I'm not behind or anything, but this "wave" as Dr. Iverson calls it is looming and I am paddling as fast as my Tetanus swollen arm can. I'm pretty sure I'll catch it. No problem. Just have to keep paddling. And I have to study this weekend, even if we are going to Houston. Luckily, I'll have just taken a genetics test, so I can skip that for the weekend and work on organic and DAT stuff. But I have to study. Even with Omi lurking about. I start studying for the PAT portion tomorrow and hopefully by next week I can start taking practice tests. My practice test software came in over the weekend, so that's a major plus. I have a total of 8 practice tests to take and memorize and, well practice with. Should I start the countdown? Ok....let's see....42 days until the day of reckoning.

When Water Hose Explosions Were Fun

So I have lab again tomorrow. Let's hope that since no water hoses are involved, all will be good. I'm doing a little better. Picking up the slack and picking up the pace a little. I am SO glad that I have the whole weekend to get things done. I'm thinking I'll go to Barnes and Noble to study for a while, transfer to Starbucks, maybe even the Round Rock Library, and slowly find my way home. Repeat after church on Sunday. I feel like the sun is peeking through the clouds and I can hear a chorus of angels....Ahhhhhhh! I can't believe I just said that about studying. But it must be so. My transcripts did not come in for Blinn or LeTourneau so hygiene is not an option next year. Bummer. And huge bummer, my arm is killing me - it's swollen with a fever and hurts like the dickens. At least I'm good until I'm 36. I'll be a dentist by then. : )