Torture

I might have a letter or two one week from today. For now, I cower in the study at my in-laws avoiding Omi's constant rambling and my bad chess pie. I pray that tomorrow I can get out away from her most of the day. I really would be doing much better if we weren't living with her for three days. Ugh. Let me say it again...ugh. Once this marathon is over, Monday will bring the week of anticipation. At this point, it really is just torture. In every way imaginable. I join my fellow applicants in SDN as we experience what no one else understands and think about checking the mail on that fateful day. And then the next day, and then again on Monday, and then...

2 Weeks

Gosh! It's really starting to get close! Well, TMOM went very well. When I got there on Friday, no one from Mandy's office was there yet, and there wasn't anything for me to do, so they sent me off to have lunch and return for instructions. It was so busy and crazy and it looked like each doctor had an assistant, so I didn't know what I was in for. When I returned, I found Lisa standing in the hall by an xray machine and I said hello and smiled and asked if anyone else was here yet. She said it was just her and Amy. I asked if she had been told what to do/where to go and she said someone said they needed an xray, but she didn't know how to use it. We glanced at the really cool new portable xray and shrugged our shoulders. I told her I was going to go find the lady I talked to earlier and that I'd see her later. No Mandy, no Ramona. That wasn't so bad. Upon finding Dr. Zinser, I was taken over to Dr. Doerre's chair. He seemed really nice and I asked him to help me get acquainted with the equipment. We were mainly doing restorative, so I was set. He was really nice, and once I got used to the new materials and his way of doing things we were on a roll! We worked well past five, including a quadruple surgical extraction with the very fast and very demanding Dr. Smith and around 6:30 it was time for dinner. Since Erik was working late, I stayed and ate and chatted with Dr. Doerre, listened to his advice concerning a practice, insurance, getting patients, etc. He begged me to return in the morning and help him out, but I told him I just couldn't seeing I needed to clean the floor for Erik. See, I forgot that when Erik is gone, I can't sleep, so getting up at 6:30 was out of the question. When I arrived at noon, he had a very faithful predent from Houston there and I was out of luck considering that there were somewhere around 40 predents from Houston and San Antonio vying for an opportunity to assist. I roamed and observed for a while, and feeling pretty useless, starting looking for something to do. I found my fellow orchestra member, Sandy, filing, so I joined her. In the midst of alphabetizing charts, the data entry team needed someone with dental experience, so I learned the Patterson software and started charting away. When things died down, I went back to the clinic area and continued observing, chatting with the other predents and making runs for instruments/materials when necessary. Overall, it was a great two days.

I left that Sunday for Dallas to visit Baylor on Monday. The day went very well, and I got my questions answered. I feel good about it now. I hope I didn't put Dr. Miller out by asking to come, but it's like Dad says, they need to let people shadow like I did, and it's a good thing I maybe started something new there. Heck, I'll let people shadow me next year! So Erik and I have some talking to do in two weeks. Two weeks, that's all?

TMOM

Tomorrow is the 1st day of Texas Mission of Mercy in Round Rock. I went by today for orientation which turned out to just be t-shirt/ID pick up. My ID still has Mandy's name on it, so Erik and I decided that it would be best to sharpie it out so I don't have to explain anything. I can't wait to start fresh. The biggest deal is just picking up tomorrow and giving it everything I have and learning a lot and more importantly helping a lot of people. That's the whole reason for any of this. And honestly, it's the call I initially felt in Africa when I wanted to have an occupation that would meet the physical needs of people who desparately need help. I want to become a dentist and go to Romania and Mexico and the Dell Diamond and wherever they will take me.

My goal for tomorrow: I won't be the least bit hesitant to try anything they ask me to do. I will communicate any questions I might have. I will be alert and vigilant and thorough even though it seems that I'm going blind and losing my common sense all at the same time. I think I need to get back on my daily vitamins...Hmmm....

29 Days...

29 days and counting. I noticed today that I talk more about leaving Austin in my conversations which is making it a bit more of a reality. Erik took the rest of the week off to tile our...sorry "the" bathroom and finish up the last few big things. I'm sure the realtor will have more suggestions, but we have to give her some place to start. Still haven't talked to anyone up at the old office. Don't really want to. Can I send a key in the mail and feel ok about that? They can sure send my check in the mail. I still find myself rolling back into that self-pity mode when I get in bed at night. I roll around and think about what I would say if I saw any of them again...like at TMOM next week. After all this drama, it makes me nervous to volunteer. I'm going to have to "stack the bodies in the celler, lock it, leave quietly one at a time, and pretend like none of this ever happened" and give it 200% that day. I really don't know why I felt compelled to throw that quote in. I'm not that delusional, am I? : ) I'm waiting to hear back from Baylor about shadowing. Turns out that when Kevin called Dr. Miller, he asked her if Baylor had a shadowing program and she said "no" and acted like that was a crazy idea. He told her that San Antonio did, and he wanted to know why Baylor didn't since they need to be competitive for the best of the best. Aye, Kevin. So now, Dr. Miller is looking for a student for ME to shadow in light of this phone call. I don't want her to go out of her way because of Kevin, but don't get me wrong, I do want to see Baylor from that perspective. It's like Erik said, it's a good sign if she's going out of her way for me...eh?

My First Week is Over

I just finished my first week being jobless. It started off with me having to come up with a story. "I'm not working anymore. I'm getting the house ready to sell." Angela didn't buy it, so we had lunch on Friday. I rehashed the whole thing, tears and all, and still feel good about it. She had some supportive words and she prayed for me which was oh, soo good. At rehearsal on Wednesday, it boiled down to the fact that I wasn't in my scrubs and I had to explain myself. When I gave them my line, the reply was, "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" And I honestly replied with, "I haven't really decided yet." After a week of well, getting a lot done, I feel good. We'll knock it all out next week and the house should be market-ready. Next weekend, I'll assist at Texas Missions of Mercy at the Dell Diamond. I might run into the "robots" as they call themselves, but maybe not. Tuesday I get signed up with RRISD to sub, so I should be busy. Moving on.

Moving On

This is like a bad break up. Which I never really had. Those were just awkward. This is miserable. The sermon today was about suffering for doing good (1 Peter 3:15ish) and even though I feel like I did nothing wrong, I feel tortured about the whole thing. And I really think it's Satan. I can't help but feel like I could have done more, but in hindsight, I really think it was doomed from the beginning. She wanted 100% from me and that was practically impossible to give. At the beginning, I was running all over the place teaching and schooling and could not really focus. Once summer came, I was applying and really just focused on getting a letter and getting everything sent off. This doesn't mean I didn't do my job, but it was just really hard to have my mind all there. By the time I did have everything turned in, she had already written me off without talking to me about it. When she said she needed help in the fall, I should have left it at that and come to work in the fall. After applications. After interviews. After baby. After we were both ready to focus. Because neither of us really were. I think my problem is just knowing what they think about me. I equate that with my witness and it can really get to me. That's what I couldn't stop thinking about in church today. I honestly think they were misguided and acted irrationally and that doesn't mean I was a bad witness. I honestly feel like this was a bad roommate/good roommate clash all over again. Just like what's her face. Anyway, funny as it isn't, another pre-dent posted on SDN about his awful assisting experience that parallels mine 100%. To the letter. I am not alone. I wish him the best. Yeesh.

It is finished.

I just finished reading over my experience as a dental assistant. Amazingly, between the beginning of September and now, things went downhill really quickly. I would even venture to say that it was the last two - three weeks that really did it. If I had to do it all over again, I think I would. I would've waited until classes were over and teaching was over. I would have been better about sitting down with her and discussing my role and asking for help. I would've been more honest about my frustrations and I would have definitely stood up for myself if it ever got to that point. I wonder how different it would really be, though. Obviously, I can never know. If I had waited and gone to Acuna and gotten to know Dr. Smith....But at this point, I have a really good learning experience under my belt in lots of different ways. I really do pray that I never get so independent that I lose track of what really matters. I hope that I never get so confident that I won't admit when I need advice. I hope that I never get so "good", that I can't admit I make mistakes. I hope that my professional relationships are just that - professional - so that friends won't sway my emotions and business decisions. I hope that I will always stand up for myself, even when it makes people angry. And right now, I hope I get a really good night's sleep. I need some rest.

Hum, de hum, de hum.

I'm just waiting. My job is tedious and I'm learning a lot about communication and how I will run my business. Professionalism is not just something you pride yourself in and then ditch when you aren't around patients. Communication is essential to establish a trusting, comfortable relationship with your employees. If you don't need a position anymore, then you need to tell the employee and maybe help them find new employment. I will not turn into a greedy dentist. I will make enough money as it is.

They are OVER!!

I'm not going to go into the minutia of today's interview at Houston. Needless to say, I'm exhausted and it went well and I have nothing new that makes any school stand out over the other. As Erik and I drove to Austin, we talked about how San Antonio just made sense and we "made a decision". Then I started thinking about it and told him how it did bother me that Grandaddy was getting so old and I wasn't there to enjoy that relationship and wouldn't be there if something ever happened. And it started. I just couldn't stop crying thinking about passing up the chance to be with my family...even if it was only for four years. I have loved being in Austin with Erik, but I always get emotional when I miss those big moments with my family that mean so much. So there is no "decision" and I have 2 1/2 months until THE WORD comes.

Baylor Interview - A summary

Erik and I set out for Baylor College of Dentistry this morning ready to fight the Dallas traffic, and there was none, so we arrived a good hour early. We parked in what turned out to be the wrong parking garage and headed across the street to the school in my new skirt (my pants came back from the cleaners with a seam coming undone) and heels that were too big with hose one (my feet were continuously slipping out, Cinderella style). We found the elevator, found the room, and we were split up while I filled out my form and waited for my pre-interview session which turned out to be just a run-down of the day. I met Aida, who will be at my Houston interview on Monday, so I'll have two buddies there. We then waited for a good hour for the festivities to begin. 7 interviewees, 4 Aggies, 3 girls. We took the elevator down to the conference room where we got the financial aid talk. Then a professor came in to give us the "Why Baylor is so great" talk, and I got a tickle in my throat curtousey of my recent cold, that would not go away. I fought the good fight, and as long as I didn't swallow, I was ok. Until my nose started running and I had to go diving for my kleenex in my purse. Yeesh. At last, we were finished and it was time for lunch. The 4th years met us and took us down to the cafeteria. All three were Aggies?!? We got our Chick-fil-a and settled down to suck up, ask questions and appear to be friendly and sociable. We broke into groups and toured the school...no surprises there...and headed back for interviews. I met with Dr. Wong, Dr. Miller, and Dr. Moore and all three sessions seemed really laid back and went very smoothly. I was really glad that we got there so early, because the others were waiting and "self-touring" while I was getting it over with, and we were out of there by 2:00. I was really impressed with the labs...a lot more than San Antonio. I also like the fact that we don't have to get laptops. I do not like the fact that they brag about how hard they work you while stating that you can get an excellent dental education anywhere in Texas. Why would I sign up for the torture? Do they get that much pleasure from it? I also liked San Antonio's clinic area better...more realistic. Kevin called later this afternoon to get the scoop and had that "fatherly" disappointment when I did not declare Baylor my obvious choice. Erik hasn't been impressed by anything so far. I don't really know what he's expecting to see, but he hasn't seen it yet. On to Houston...

So it's been a while...

Here I am a week out from my Baylor and Houston interviews and I'm really not thinking about it at all. I do have my strength/weakness answer all planned out. And I think my "Why dentsitry?" answer is better. I have to remember that "How did you arrive at dentistry?" and "Why did you pick dentistry?" are two totally different questions. I also got a skirt for my suit, so that is an option, but I still haven't decided if I'm going to follow that path. Does it really matter? Probably not, but I just can't get it out of my head. I guess it's pretty silly. Work is good. I hate it when I have nothing to do. I hate it even worse when I actually get to assist and I haven't finished setting up and she's just ready to go. I just look like an idiot. And feel like one, too. I really know what I'm doing, but when things get hectic and she's drillin like a fiend, sometimes I just can't keep up. Anyway, sitting is really boring, and I know it's partly because we slowed things down a bit for the end of her pregnancy, but I hate it when I feel like I'm just taking up space and getting paid for it. I met Dr. Parrish on Thursday. She seems really nice, but definitely not the bubbly personality that Mandy is. She's a little on the tougher side. She did go to San Antonio, so I hope to talk to her about that. I need to be more assertive in seeking advice and letting her teach me rather than pretending to be a dental assistant and biding my time until 1) Mandy gets back and I only work 3 days a week and 2) I leave for dental school. It will also be really nice to see dentistry from another perspective on a regular basis.

I signed up for Mission of Mercy in November and I'm really looking forward to doing that. Since I haven't been able to make it back up to Dallas to work with Kevin and Manos de Cristo sure didn't work out, it will be really good to be able to serve others this way. They convert the Dell Diamond into a huge clinic and we treat people for 2 days. I think it will be really neat. They do the same thing in Dallas in February, so I hope to sign up for that one, too. And next summer, I'm definitely going to Acuna, if not Romania.

I really am just ready to get these interviews over wtih!!